Friday, May 05, 2006

Jim Hopkins: Scientific breakthrough offers hope for millions more

By Our Science Reporter
Biff Throttle

Scientists round the world are hailing the discovery of the previously unknown element Derisium as a major medical breakthrough, and many are calling for the miraculous substance to be added to public water supplies as an essential mental health supplement.

The proposal has been enthusiastically endorsed by eminent New Zillun microproctologist and emeritus professor at the University of Dargaville's Post-Graduate School of Catastrophic Events, Dr Edward Foreskin-Rodgers.

"Derisium is a miracle" said Dr Foreskin-Rodgers in an exclusive interview with anyone who'd listen. "It's the fluoride of the soul. Early indications are it could be the silver bullock in our ceaseless efforts to eliminate the calamitous effects of Global Warning.

"I'm very excited - in a calm and rational, scientific sort of way."

He cited test results which indicate that when Derisium is added to water supplies at concentrations as low as five parts per million, it has a dramatic impact on public behaviour.

"It's b@%&*y amazing," said Dr Foreskin-Rodgers, casually splitting an atom with a hammer and chisel. "Normally, when a randomly selected group of traditionally compliant and acquiescent New Zillun citizens are exposed to bizarre political decisions, ridiculous bureaucratic edicts or absurdly expensive and antiquated transport remedies they meekly shuffle off and do what they're told. But not any more!

"Whack a shot of Derisium in their cocoa and they're totally paralytic. With laughter, of course. And it's not just chuckles, either. This stuff has them defying the laws of gravity. I've seen 'em rolling round the laboratory floor, clutching their stomachs, utterly convulsed with derisive glee."

One of the biggest reactions Dr Foreskin-Rodgers and his team recorded involved a Waitakere City planning inspector directing a retirement village resident to move her pot plants 1.2m away from her deck railing in case visiting children endangered themselves ascending the herbaceous perils.

"Our lot just wet themselves," said the distinguished researcher. "That guy was potting mix by the time they'd finished."

Similar levels of Derisium-induced derision occurred when volunteers were exposed to the Green Leader of the Joint Party's announcement that since she was opposed to the microchipping of any dogs, she would naturally be voting for the microchipping of all dogs. And also to the announcement that the gummint was going to pour money into a Canadian-owned Kiwi music station mainly because no one was listening ("They loved that! Especially since they were paying for it.")

Equally mocking was the reaction to solemn declarations from the ARC that the only solution to Auckland's transport woes was spending billions on an electrified rail system using power from empty lakes delivered through already overloaded transmission lines.

"Normally," said Dr Foreskin-Rodgers," the only reaction to that sort of tosh is a few earnest letters to The Harold. But not with Derisium. One drop and everyone's chortling. They suddenly realise you'd have more luck putting jelly in a corset than you ever will trying to fix Auckland's gridlock with trains."

Dr Foreskin-Rodgers believes Derisium "may let us conquer Global Warning once and for all." While acknowledging "some gormless plonkers" still dispute the human origins of this "terrifying climatic apocalypse" he's convinced the case is incontrovertible.

"What we know, is that the past 150 years has seen a hideous explosion of bureaucracy throughout the developed world. Vast tracts of wilderness have been converted into offices to house these dangerous polluters who have been recklessly emitting rules, regulations, edicts and decrees since the latter half of the 19th century and the cumulative effect has been devastating .

"Thanks to their activities, we've seen a dangerous build-up of Curbing Dioxide (or NoCanDo) in the upper atmosphere creating an inert layer beneath which vast amounts of initiative, adventure, optimism and common sense have been trapped with potentially disastrous consequences for the human race."

New Zillun's leading microproctologist points to the soaring number of endangered species, including parents, children, home builders, DIY fans, cigar smokers, scout masters, car drivers, beer drinkers, dog owners, speedway racers, Happy Meal purchasers, pool owners ("When was the last time you saw a council fence a river?"), fire eaters, sword swallowers, people on waiting lists and "little old ladies in retirement homes" as conclusive proof that Global Warning is a sociological disaster which is having a devastating effect on our bio-diversity.

If humanity was to survive, "we need something that'll clear the b@%&*y air and I don't think anything'll do that better than a healthy dose of Derisium."

Unfortunately, the bureaucrats don't agree. In a joint statement released by the PSA, Local Government New Zealand , the Electricity Commission, the Corrections Department and the Waitakere City Council, a spokesperson said, "Our officers are silly enough as it is, without people realising it. We will oppose any moves to add Derisium to water supplies."

The joint statement was tragically interrupted when officials evacuated their building in response to a tsunami warning they hadn't received.

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